Goodness gracious, it’s been a freakishly awful few weeks for Ollie… poor babe…
Three weeks ago he was playing with a fidget spinner and broke half of his beautiful grown up tooth off. It was the front one that gave him the most adorable toothy grin… It’s so gone that you can’t hardly see any of it until he smiles. Then he looks crae-crae. How on earth did that happen with a fidget spinner?! And how on earth did I not notice it?? I must be negligent… He had cried for a little while and I hugged him… 15 minutes later Dad came home and of course it was the first thing he noticed (being a Denturist gives him super powers!). I quickly found the broken half on the couch and the next morning we rushed him to the dentist where they covered the exposed nerve. I was supposed to go to my women’s group that night. Guess I won’t be making it… Unreliable again…
I slept next to him the night it happened and he whimpered and moaned… Poor poor babe…. And poor mommy. His face was total perfection. I got soooo used to his adorable smile…. and then it got taken away in a split second..
What. On. Earth…?
Three weeks TO THE DAY… He falls over in the kitchen. The first thing I see as I pick him up is a deep impression on his forehead… looks like it hurts… poor babe!
I quickly comfort him, only to find that something is splattering all over my feet and legs… look behind me- yep… blood. So much for an impression…
There’s a HUGE laceration- darn those heads! They bleed like crazy! Thankful for Jimmy and Nels who were both there. They helped the bleeding stop while I loved and held him. What the f&*$? Won’t make it to women’s group again… #unreliable.
After four hours in the emergency room we finally leave with Ollie (literally) glued back together. He was so brave. He has such a sweet spirit. But the whole time in the ER, he quietly cries and clings to me. He won’t eat. He doesn’t want water. He sleeps off and on. He’s huge. Carrying a 60 lb boy around is difficult! Don’t think about it. Your baby needs you mom….
Not to mention those damned cochlear implant processors won’t stay on his head while he wiggles around and finds the next comfortable place to rest his head… this is almost impossible… and lonely… Nels is with me but it feels as though only him and I can know what this feels like… and even then… I’m the one that takes care of EVERY medical need… meaning I’m alone… I’M the only one that knows what this feels like.
What the f#$%…. How… What am I supposed to do? My sweet boy who TRIES SO HARD is hurting. It’s SO unfair. And I’m bound to run into someone that’s going to say that they’ve done this with their kid also… They’ll mean well. They want to relate.
But right now I just feel isolated. Maybe it’s “normal” to take your kid to get stitches… But it’s not “normal” to have your kid be a danger to themselves ALL OF THE FREAKING TIME. It’s not normal to have to learn to walk so late in life that when your body falls, it falls with gusto and with almost 100% chance of harming oneself or others… Not normal to get sent home from school because of mild seizures. Not normal to need help with everything at 7 years old. A tooth. A head. Now a seizure…
It’s SO hard. I can’t leave him to play. I can’t drop him off at any ol’ friends house to just “hang out”. There is no “hanging out”. There is monitoring, helping, fixing, working, working, working… And then more working. Cursing. Cussing. Tears behind sunglasses. Deep breath. Smiles. Sweet voice. Gentle hands. Strong muscles working hard. Smile while working hard. Smile.
I almost got used to the broken tooth. Now I get to get used to a broken forehead. What the f&*#
After the fear of Ollie’s health or emotional well-being subsides… my biggest fear in all of this????
Maybe I’m “too much.”
Who wants to be friends with someone who has trauma after trauma after trauma? Who has time to care for a friend that’s always in need? Always takes more time hiking? Always takes more energy to be around? Always has a new terrible thing that’s happened? Who has time for that? Who wants to be around someone who can’t just “hang out”? … Who’s always being pulled in a different direction? Who’s ALWAYS busy talking to ANOTHER doctor about some scary thing?
“How was your day? How have you been?” loving people ask me daily…
What am I to say?
“Fine :)” and smile
“Fine ?” and shrug
“Pretty good considering…” with an eyebrow raise
“I’m well” … proper english in case Taylor is listening.
I can trump most people’s stories… I really can. Tell me your scariest parenting story and unless your child has passed away, I can trump it. Tell me your most frustrating parenting story and I can leave you in the dust. Who wants to have a friend that can always trump their story?! Answer: NO ONE.
I’m exhausted. And honestly, I’m sick of my own story. Sick of me. Sick of my hardships. Tired. Lonely.
And in all of this bull s@#%… Lord I know that You are good. I trust that you are with me and love me. I trust that you love Ollie waaaay more than I do which quite frankly is UNFATHOMABLE. I love that turkey-head so much. Please help me to love myself in this and be patient with myself. Please help me to love Ollie in it and trust you in it. One time you told me to “Expect great things” for Ollie.
So… when my faith is failing me momentarily… please be my strength to hold on until the day gets brighter. Please help me to love others and see beyond myself and honestly… be kind to myself when I am sick of me. Thank you for not leaving me. Thank you for the friends that stick with me. Thank you for all of the love that you surround me with. Please help me to not be afraid of everyone leaving me. That would just be silly. But it feels so real.