This summer has been busy and nuts! And fun and crazy! We launched right into it when I took Ollie to New York for new leg braces the week before school got out. Tumbling from one week to the nextleft me gasping for air and trying to keep my head on straight and the calendar “handled.” So it’s no surprise that I had forgotten to get back to Ollie’s therapist to schedule future appointments.
What did come as a surprise, was the tumultuous decision on if he was going to get any therapy this month. And once that was decided… all the lingering feelings had to be handled. Oh my goodness! What it takes to be a human!
The conversation in my head went something like this….
I want Ollie to have therapy every time he can because I want him to be able to walk and be as independent as possible. He deserves it.
Therefore, when the therapist (who lives OUT of town) comes IN to my town… Ollie must see her! Right?! Of course. However, when my husband and I conversed about it we agreed that we had recently had a lot of expenses #newlegbraces in Long Island, New York. He mentioned maybe waiting until the next time around so our pocket book could take a breather.
It was all very logical. And there would be therapy next month IN town… so not to worry. But something sneakily crept into my mommy psyche… “How could you do that? How can you skip a therapy session? What are you thinking? He might back track or not walk. Every opportunity must be seized!”
But as I sat and thought… I tried to challenge my thoughts. What am I talking about?! Maybe he’ll never walk? Amanda…. He’s WALKING right now. What are you talking about?! Maybe he’ll never become independent. Amanda…he’s gaining independence every month. And he’s 6 for pete’s sake. So if I trust that he’s in good hands and that he is acquiring walking abilities and independence…and he WILL do therapy soon… then what?
What’s my deal?
Oh… I see… shame… that stupid monster crept right up on me!
As I started to unpack my brimming tears I realized that I had certain expectations of what a mother does and does not do. I found that some of my beliefs were that if I did everything perfectly, then Ollie would have a better outcome. If I sacrificed, then he would have a better chance at a good life… that if I gave up ALL that I had (albeit my sanity and every penny we EVER saved…) then God would see my efforts and reward me.
IF I, then HE will do this or that.
And pardon my honesty, but that’s just bull! There’s no truth to that. People are born to crack addicts and have healthy, successful brains and lives. People (insert: ME) live healthy lives, by the rules and have babies born with tremendous medical deficiencies. Things just happen. And the same goes for the rest of life. Sure, my kids will be healthier if I consistently make good decisions on their behalf, but I am also a HUMAN BEING. I have faults and imperfections and my own deficits.
Being human, it will only be natural to bump into my limitations time and time again. And Ollie will be just fine. But my question today is, will I?
How do I want to view myself? As a loser mom with so many deficiencies that I count myself out of the game before I even get into it?
Or a mom that cares, has integrity, tries her very best, loves fiercely, tires quickly, effs up, and accomplishes incredible things?! I am doing my best and there’s nothing else left to be done but that. My kids have a mom that loves them and is trying. And that’s enough 🙂
I want to love myself where I’m at. It’s wasted energy to beat myself up over my limitations. But that shame monster comes out pretty fierce at times!
So friends, please be kind to yourself. Wherever you “lack”- love yourself in it. Ask for help and keep moving forward 🙂 Your kids will be ok- they’ll probably be great. Your best is more than enough for today.
For more on this topic, you should definitely check out Brene Brown and her research on shame. Another incredible woman I’ve been reading about is Glennon Doyle. The way both of these women share about being vulnerable with ourselves and others, and the process of ridding ourselves of shame is incredibly life changing!